one

Today is my last full day here in El Salvador. Tomorrow I'll be leaving on a jet plane, and I don't know when I'll be back again. I've had my times of sadness thinking about it, and the process of packing is overwhelming, but as the end gets closer and closer, I continue to get more excited. I'm finally coming home for good.

Katrina left last Monday, followed by Megan and Elisabeth on Tuesday, and then finally Scott on Friday. It was especially hard to see Elisabeth go--it really brought home the realization that soon I would be leaving. But already, that pain is fading and giving way to the underlying current of excitement that is flowing just beneath the surface--or maybe that's just stress. Oh well.

Monday I worked my last afternoon, and yesterday I worked my last morning. Monday night we went out for pupusas one last time, and then I talked to my boyfriend for the last time from El Salvador. I've been steadily going through my stuff, deciding what to keep, what to throw away, and what to give away. The hardest part has been trying to decide who gets what. Hopefully it'll all be figured out sometime today.

In all my excitement to move forward, I must not forget to turn back and reflect on the time I've spent here. I am so very glad that I came here. I have learned so much. I have learned to trust God and His timing. I have learned to connect with kids and not simply put in my time with them. I've also learned many things about myself. I've learned that I am not perfect and that I cannot change myself without God's help. Trying to be good by brute force actually makes things worse. I also tend to hide rather than make the effort to engage people. I remember back at the beginning of the year when one little girl, Raquel, annoyed me to no end. She would laugh shrilly at things I didn't think were funny, sing the same part of a song over and over at the top of her lungs all day long (Moo aqui, moo alla, E-I-E-I-O. Moo aqui, moo alla, E-I-E-I-O. Moo aqui...you get the picture), and she'd come and bang on our door at all hours of the day to ask if there was pool that day and when and how much time was left before it was time to go, and if we had pool the next day or the next. I realized that the girl was just starved for attention and that was why she was so clingy, but for the life of me, I just didn't want to give her that attention. I wanted to stay as far away from her as possible. But then, something happened. I don't know when it happened or how, but somewhere along the way, I began to love her. She was still annoying at times, but that was just a part of being Raquel. I don't avoid her anymore. Sometimes I even seek her out. It's amazing what changes can take place without you even realizing it.

I have grown to love this place and the kids in it. I have been ever-so-blessed to experience all this and avoid many bad things that could have happened. Yesterday I went into town with Kenny, and as we were walking back, we passed a certain intersection and he told me that about a week and a half before there had been three guys there, robbing everyone who passed at gun-point. I asked him if he was serious, and he was. All this time, I've been feeling as though El Salvador isn't really as dangerous as everyone thinks it is, when really, it is dangerous and I've just been protected from it all. But despite the fact that it can be dangerous here, I still want to come back and visit. Check up on these kids. The Hogar is improving all the time under the management of International Children's Care, but there are still things that need to be done. There are now four smaller houses that each have 15 kids or less, but there are still three houses with over 25 kids apiece. The plan is to continue renovating two small staff houses that are currently empty and putting a few kids in each of these. Then, they want to built a six-bedroom house, move a family into that house, and turn the then-empty house into a school. We have a school right across the street that the kids go to, but many of the kids don't get the attention they need, and sometimes it seems as though the teachers pass a kid on to the next grade just because they don't want to deal with them anymore. (some of our kids are holy terrors and have made teachers cry) But in order to build that six-bedroom house, they are going to need the money to do that. The cost is estimated to be around $38,000, but it will be cheaper if volunteer groups come to do the building. So this is where I make a shameless plea for money. Pray about it, and if you feel as though the Lord is calling you to give to this organization, visit forhiskids.org. Please also pray that we find house parents to take care of these kids. There's no use having a house if you don't have someone to run it.

Thank you to each of you who have been reading this blog, praying for me, and supporting me throughout this ordeal. I will continue to write and post after I have returned to the United States...but I'll probably have to change the title of my blog. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to be on an El Salvadorian Excursion when I'm really in the U.S.

I'm coming home.